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post #271 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-06-2004, 01:38 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally posted by Casper
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
A: Yes.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Aural

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post #272 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-06-2004, 03:07 PM
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2 snakes are slithering through the woods together. The one snake asks the other snake "are we a poisonous breed of snake"? The other snake says, "yes i do believe we are apart of the poisonous snake family...why do you ask? The other snake says "because i just bit my tongue"

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post #273 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-06-2004, 04:27 PM
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I heard this bad one on the radio this morning

What's got 12 feet and is faster then Superman?










Christopher Reeve's Pallbearers

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post #274 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-06-2004, 04:49 PM
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Whats the best way to have sex with an ugly women?






Jackoff in your hand, and throw it at her .

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post #275 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-07-2004, 08:21 PM
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Talking The Guys' Rules

(Recieved this and had to post it)

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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post #276 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-07-2004, 08:41 PM
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Great stuff!

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post #277 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-07-2004, 09:13 PM
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post #278 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-07-2004, 10:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by 93pimpin
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
The 2 funniest, though I think these are most true from my own experience:


Quote:
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Quote:
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
And for the record, I still have no idea what color mauve is supposed to be. I'm sure I've seen it somewhere, but I probably just thought, that thing is red or blue or green or whatever.

Mauve=

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post #279 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-09-2004, 11:48 AM
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Things you can't do in the military

Stolen from another board, hope it's not a repost...


Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it. A couple favorites: 2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'. and 191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.

My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.

Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.

Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.

Not allowed to join the communist party.

Not allowed to join any militia.

Not allowed to form any militia.

Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'

Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.

God may not contradict any of my orders.

May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.

May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.

Must not taunt the French any more.

Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.

Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.

Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your *** in World War 2!'

Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.

Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

(Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')

Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).

Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.

Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.

Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

I do not have super-powers.

'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.

Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.

Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

I am not the atheist chaplain.

I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.

I am not authorized to fire officers.

I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.

Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.

Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.

Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.

'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.

An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.

An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.

The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'

The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

‘The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.

If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean ‘I have been promoted three more times than you'.

It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

There is no ‘Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.

I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers'.

May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.

I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

No military functions are to be performed ‘Skyclad'.

Woad is not camouflage makeup.

May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

"Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.

The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

I may not call block my chain of command.

I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

May not form any press gangs.

Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."

Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish' things.

Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the ‘field of honor'.

If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

Must not refer to 1st Sgt as ‘Mom'.

Must not refer to the Commander as ‘Dad'.

Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.

Nerve gas is not funny.

Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

‘Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.

Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'

A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

I hate this place! Nothing works here! The medication doesn't work! I've been here seven years! I hate this place!
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post #280 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-09-2004, 11:48 AM
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Con'td:

Vodka, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

When saluting a ‘leg’ officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".

There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from ‘Full Monty’ every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".

I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

Crucifying mice - bad idea.

Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

I cannot arrest children for being rude.

An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.

I should not use government resources to ‘waterproof’ dirty magazines.

Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

‘No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages’ does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.

"Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.

The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders.

‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole ####ing village!’ while out on a mission is bad.

Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

Even if my commander did it.

Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.

I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’.

'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.

I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.

'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.

I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'

The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.

I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.

Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.

Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.

If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

The revolution is not now.

When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.

No part of the military uniform is edible.

Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.

Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

Take that hat off.

There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

I do not get 'that time of month'.

No, the pants are not optional.

Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'

Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.

On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.

'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.

I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.

Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.

I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.

On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.

Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.

Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.

There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.

My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.

My name is not a killing word.

I am not the Emperor of anything.

Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.

Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.

Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.

The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

I am not allowed to give tattoos.

I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.

Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.

I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.

'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."

Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

Not allowed to get shot.

The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)

Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites

I hate this place! Nothing works here! The medication doesn't work! I've been here seven years! I hate this place!
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post #281 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-09-2004, 12:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by zero89lx
Con'td:

I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.

Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
May be a warped sense of humor, but those are my favorites

"Won't work, can't be done"
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post #282 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-09-2004, 12:19 PM
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post #283 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-09-2004, 12:40 PM
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Quote:

A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

These are my two favs. We use the second one all the time.

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post #284 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-09-2004, 11:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by zero89lx

Woad is not camouflage makeup.

there goes the chance that I might join the military

math > pasta
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post #285 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-10-2004, 07:18 AM
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OMFG..........I was laughing so hard I made myself sick at the SPC list.

Being prior Military just made it THAT much funnier!

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post #286 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-11-2004, 10:53 PM
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A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which.


A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one of the horses and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde friend was stuck again.


The neighbor then suggested she notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.


The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

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post #287 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-17-2004, 12:42 PM
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Holliday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have an amazing Holiday Season!

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

1997 Thunderbird LX 4.6 AED 349.27RWHP/391.29RWTQ Engine Build Exterior shots
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post #288 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-20-2004, 01:31 PM
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Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,"I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND cop!"

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

1997 Thunderbird LX 4.6 AED 349.27RWHP/391.29RWTQ Engine Build Exterior shots
2002 Thunderbird Premium Triple Black 3.9
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post #289 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-20-2004, 01:35 PM
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The professor teaching an American History asked a blonde in the class what she knew about the Roe vs. Wade decision.
She pondered this weighty question and finally answered, "I think that is the decision that George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

1997 Thunderbird LX 4.6 AED 349.27RWHP/391.29RWTQ Engine Build Exterior shots
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post #290 of 1191 (permalink) Old 01-05-2005, 04:25 AM
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Little Suzie asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
Mom says, "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage."

Little Suzie goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Trixie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "OK, you can go now but keep Trixie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

Little Suzie left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad said, "Where's Trixie?"
Little Suzie said, "Trixie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home."

Benjamin' 07/30/82 Christian MySpace CarDomain
Celica and Chevy 1500 are sold for parts. Now I'm left with the broken Buick and my '98 Dakota.
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post #291 of 1191 (permalink) Old 01-05-2005, 04:27 AM
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A girl and a boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow-going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask him, and he says, "No." But you know I'm not really sure.
Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it, but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about ten minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just want to leave. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

His story:
Crappy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got laid though.

Benjamin' 07/30/82 Christian MySpace CarDomain
Celica and Chevy 1500 are sold for parts. Now I'm left with the broken Buick and my '98 Dakota.
Bedroom: Pioneer VSX23, DefTech BP6s (front) ProCenter 2000, Mirage Omni 350s, 10" Kicker L7 pushed by PExpress plate amp, XBox 360, PS3, 50" LG 3D plasma.
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post #292 of 1191 (permalink) Old 01-05-2005, 04:28 AM
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ha, ha, the dog joke is a good one, lol.....

Smash Forehead on Keyboard to Continue....

2004 Mercury Grand Marquis GS
Pioneer DEH-P6000UB Infinity 2 way 6x8's, and Eclipse 5x7 3 ways, Fultron Tweets, Infinity 1211A, Alpine SWR-1222D Type-R 12.

1999 VW New Beetle SOLD!

1990 F150 Lariat Xlt 4.9L std cab longbed, E4OD, Work Truck.

1994 F150 XL 5.0L 4R70W Current Project.


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click here to check 'em out.

Last edited by RedThunder94; 01-05-2005 at 04:29 AM. Reason: 'cause i felt like it
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post #293 of 1191 (permalink) Old 01-05-2005, 04:53 PM
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It's good to be King?

But the throne isn't always the safest place to be... Just ask Elvis!
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamberg
It's good to be the King...........


















right Shadow?

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post #294 of 1191 (permalink) Old 01-06-2005, 11:58 AM
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FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

1997 Thunderbird LX 4.6 AED 349.27RWHP/391.29RWTQ Engine Build Exterior shots
2002 Thunderbird Premium Triple Black 3.9
2013 Fusion Hybrid
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post #295 of 1191 (permalink) Old 01-12-2005, 08:15 AM
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Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in
a passionate embrace.

Little Paul found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss,
then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Paul, this is such an interesting story,
suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on
Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Paul to tell his story. Paul
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you
interrupt

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Stock Crank, Stock M90, and Stock SC Top .... Everything Else .... Ah, Not So Much!!!!
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post #296 of 1191 (permalink) Old 01-12-2005, 08:59 PM
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gay Horse

what does a gay horse eat?





haaaaay (said in a gay voice)

Bradley Blaze
I'd Love to Live Life in the Fast Lane, but I'm Married to a Speed Bump
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post #297 of 1191 (permalink) Old 01-26-2005, 08:24 AM
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There's an alcoholic, a chain smoker, and a gay guy. The 3 men decide to go see a doctor for a check up. The doctor tells them that if they don't give up their bad habits, they are going to die. Well, the 3 men leave the docs office and are walking down the street. As they are walking, they pass by a bar. The alcoholic hears all of his drunken friends having a good time, but he just bites his teeth and keeps walking. One of his drunken friends yells "where you going bud, come on in for a little bit" The alcoholic says "f*** it, one beer wont hurt" He goes in the bar and drinks a beer and BAM!!! He falls down and dies. Now, it is only the chain smoker and the gay guy left. After seeing the alcoholic die, the chain smoker really needs a smoke but bites his teeth and just deals with the fact that he can't have one. As him and the gay guy are walking, the chain smoker see's a cigarette on the ground, burning. Someone must have just flicked it. The chain smoker stops and is thinking to himself "one drag won't hurt...just one drag?" The gay guy reads what the chain smoker is thinking and so he says to the chain smoker "Don't even think about it, if you bend over to pick that up, we are both gonna die"

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post #298 of 1191 (permalink) Old 01-31-2005, 01:14 PM
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Why Men Are Just Happier People

Why Men Are Just Happier People

Your last name stays put.


The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this

one

is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $200.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood -- all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $20.00 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25

minutes.


No wonder men are happier!! (What do you expect from such simple

creatures?)

It will be a brave MAN who sends this to a woman

brakes we dont need no stinking brakes just stand on the gas
my car domain site
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myspace page
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when life hands you lemons ... ask for Tequila and salt and call me over!
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post #299 of 1191 (permalink) Old 01-31-2005, 01:16 PM
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Who says men don't remember anniversaries?

A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed.


She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.


She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him.


He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.


She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.


"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?"


The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.


The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.


The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.


"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"


"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.


The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for
20 years?"


"I remember that too" she replies softly.


He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out
today."

brakes we dont need no stinking brakes just stand on the gas
my car domain site
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myspace page
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when life hands you lemons ... ask for Tequila and salt and call me over!
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post #300 of 1191 (permalink) Old 01-31-2005, 01:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cougarfan
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Unless your name is Shane.

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

1997 Thunderbird LX 4.6 AED 349.27RWHP/391.29RWTQ Engine Build Exterior shots
2002 Thunderbird Premium Triple Black 3.9
2013 Fusion Hybrid
*SCRAPPED* 1994 LX 4.6 NA 13.6@100mph 236.07RWHP/286.26RWTQ
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