The Joke Thread... - Page 3 - TCCoA Forums

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #61 of 1191 (permalink) Old 04-22-2003, 11:40 PM
Motorboatin' SOB
Headlight Cleaning Guru
 
big mike's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: H-town, TX
Posts: 6,910
Send a message via AIM to big mike
what do you call two gay guys in a sleeping bag?
























a fruit roll-up

2014 GT
1990 300ZX TT
big mike is offline  
post #62 of 1191 (permalink) Old 04-23-2003, 12:37 AM
PostSkank
 
StupidFly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Tempe, AZ
Age: 35
Posts: 3,231
Send a message via AIM to StupidFly
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are hiking cross country in order to collect some clues for their latest case. As night begins to fall they stop and make camp. After a brief meal, they crawl into their tent and fall alseep.

later that night Holmes nudges Watson till he wakes
"Watson, I want you to look up and tell me about what you see."

"Well Holmes, modern science tells us that every one of those flickering stars is another sun, billions of miles away. And some of those suns probably have planets orbiting them. And maybe, just maybe one of them has life on it. And maybe there are 2 creatures on that planet staring up at the sky thinking the same thing."








"No you moron, some stole our frickin tent!"

math > pasta
StupidFly is offline  
post #63 of 1191 (permalink) Old 04-23-2003, 12:59 AM
PostWhore
 
95LX's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: PA
Posts: 1,845
very old, and translated, let's see how this works...


So a guy had a penis transplant and instead of being given a normal penis, he was given an elephant trunk. While at a restaurant on a first date, the trunk snuck out of his pants, reached across the table, grabbed an orange and quickly disappeared under the table. The woman saw what happened, but pretended that she didn't. Some time goes by, the trunk comes out and grabs another orange and quickly disappears under the table again. The woman is anxious to find out what's going on so she finally asks the guy to explain what's happening. The guy goes on to explain that he had a penis transplant after he had an accident and was given an elephant trunk instead. The woman thinks it's pretty cool and says...

"You gotta show me how you do that trick with the orange again"

and the guy replies...

"I'd love to, but I don't think I can fit a 3rd orange into my a$$"




Eeyore is walking with his head down as usual and all of a sudden sees Piglet lying in the middle of the road with one of his legs ripped out and with one of his eyes missing.
"Oh my goodness, what happenned to you Piglet?" asks Eeyore. And Piglet replies...
"Oh, I had a bet with Pooh. I bet my eye that he wouldn't have the guts to rip out my leg."

Slightly Jerryfied...

Last edited by 95LX; 04-23-2003 at 01:19 AM.
95LX is offline  
post #64 of 1191 (permalink) Old 04-23-2003, 11:50 AM
Comes here when I can
 
tre45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Anchorage, AK
Age: 41
Posts: 668
Thumbs up

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee
mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
On his second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush.
That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several oh his teeth.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap…
The Army is still looking for him.
___________________________________________
Osama bin Laden, net feeling well and concerned about
his mortality goes to consult a psychic about the date of
his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the
realm of the future she finds the answer.
“You will die on an American holiday.”
“Which one?” Osama bin Laden asks nervously.
“It doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic.
“Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday.”
___________________________________________
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the bartender “Isn’t that Bush and
the Powell sitting over there?” Bartender says, “Yep, that’s
them.” So the guys walks over and says, “Wow this is a
real honor. What are you guys doing in here?” Bush says,
“We’re planning WWIII.” And the guy says “Really?
What is going to happen?” Bush says, “Well we’re going to kill
25 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman.”
The guy exclaimed, “A bicycle repairman?
Why kill a bicycle repairman.”
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says,
“See, smart a$$! I told you no one would worry about the
25 million Iraqis!”

My name be GT
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss (1904 - 1991)
tre45 is offline  
post #65 of 1191 (permalink) Old 04-23-2003, 12:02 PM
Comes here when I can
 
tre45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Anchorage, AK
Age: 41
Posts: 668
OK this is gonna be long but really really worth the read sorry all. But I must say enjoy


Anger Management

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know...

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make. I found the number, and dialed it.

A man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I Yelled, "You're an a$#hole!" and hung
up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'a$#hole' next to it, and put
it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him.

He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an a$#hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a$#hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID Program."

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're an a$#hole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down the phone number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$#hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a$#hole, too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can I come by to see it?"

"Sure, I'm at 1802 West 34th Street. A yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to come by, Don?"

"Anytime after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a$#hole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a
problem, I had two a$#holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with a new idea:

I called A$#hole #1.

"Hello"

"You're an a$#hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yep," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed,

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Why don't we meet in person?"

"OK A$#hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black BMW out front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. You ready to get your a$$ kicked?"

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$#hole."

Then I called a$#hole # 2:

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello A$#hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and Immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on west 34th
Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street. There, I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now, I really feel better.




Tried to edit the content I hope no one was to offended.

My name be GT
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss (1904 - 1991)
tre45 is offline  
post #66 of 1191 (permalink) Old 04-23-2003, 01:20 PM
PostSkank
 
StupidFly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Tempe, AZ
Age: 35
Posts: 3,231
Send a message via AIM to StupidFly
I like that one

math > pasta
StupidFly is offline  
post #67 of 1191 (permalink) Old 04-23-2003, 03:26 PM
1st Gear Poster
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: southington, ct
Age: 35
Posts: 36
Send a message via AIM to Super XR7
Hope noone gets offended



there is a polish guy rowing a boat out in the middle of a field. another polish guy walking buy yell, what the h3ll are you doing, you a$$holes are the ones that give us a bad name. guy in the boat replies F#@! you. other guy yells you better keep your mouth shut or i'm gonna swim out there and kick your a$$

"Provided I add fresh blinker fluid and some new muffler bearings I could smoke vettes and vipers at half throttle"~ ?
Super XR7 is offline  
post #68 of 1191 (permalink) Old 04-23-2003, 07:10 PM
PostWhore
 
Audiobahnbird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mechanic Falls, Maine
Age: 32
Posts: 1,411
Send a message via AIM to Audiobahnbird
theres this guy whos having trouble in the bedroom, so he goes to the doctor to see about some sort of viagra. The doctor gives him a new pill and tells him it is experimental and he should call back the next morning and tell her how it went. The next day the man calls her and says "That worked amazing,i havent had it that good in years, what would happen if i took 2 pills?" The doctor replied, "i dont know, try it and call me" the next day the man called and said "that was so great, we went all night long, my wife loves it, she has no idea whats going on, but ive got a question.....what would happen if i took 5 pills?" The docotr said "NO! don't do that that could be dangerous.......but if you do, call me and tell me how it goes. the next day the doctor gets a call from a little girl-"Are you my daddys doctor? my daddys gone nuts, my moms dead, my sisters pregnant, my butt hurts and my dads crawling around the yard yelling "here kitty kitty"

Please enjoy my new and improved short signature- Russ
Audiobahnbird is offline  
post #69 of 1191 (permalink) Old 04-24-2003, 12:15 AM
6th Gear Poster
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Torrance, CA
Posts: 620
See below
Matt S. is offline  
post #70 of 1191 (permalink) Old 04-24-2003, 12:15 AM
6th Gear Poster
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Torrance, CA
Posts: 620
What did the mom say to Michael Jackson at the Beach?
















You're in my son.
Matt S. is offline  
post #71 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 02:17 PM
Back in Black

Administrator
 
ShadowDragon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Charlotte NC
Age: 41
Posts: 14,176
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship.. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T," which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

1997 Thunderbird LX 4.6 AED 349.27RWHP/391.29RWTQ Engine Build Exterior shots
2002 Thunderbird Premium Triple Black 3.9
2013 Fusion Hybrid
*SCRAPPED* 1994 LX 4.6 NA 13.6@100mph 236.07RWHP/286.26RWTQ
ShadowDragon is offline  
post #72 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 02:37 PM
Pedal Faster
 
Josh_Keady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: No. Oregon
Age: 33
Posts: 2,658
Send a message via AIM to Josh_Keady
Okay, I haven't seen this one posted yet:

One morning a guy is getting ready to go to work, but his wife and kids are sick, and he has to spend extra time cleaning up the house and giving kids medicine, etc. So with all of that done, he is running very late and has a job-on-the-line meeting he has to attend. He jumps in his Tbird and heads off to work.

The guy gets on the freeway, notices there is zero traffic and decides he can push it a little. He takes it up to about 80 and finally starts making up some lost time. But as he goes under an overpass, he realizes he just got hit by a radar gun and there's a cop now flying down the on-ramp coming after him.

The guy pulls over and the cop gets out of his car. The cop sidles up to the guy's window and says snidely, "Man, you were really flyin' there pal, I'm gonna' have to write you up for doing 90 in a 65."

The guy knows he was going less than that, but hoping to hurry things along, he doesn't argue, he simply says to the officer, "I'm sorry sir, I know I was speeding, is there anyway we can hurry this up? I'm late for work..."

The cop cuts him off, "Well now! If you're so concerned about work, maybe you shouldn't do stuff that'll get you pulled over! Now let's see that license and registration!"

The guy is really frustrated now, but he complies silently and hands over his information. As the cop is writing the ticket next to the car, he asks, "Say, what do you do anyway?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher."

The officer give him a puzzled look and asks what that is.

"Well," says the guy, "A client comes to me, and I stick a finger in his rectum. First it's just one finger, pretty soon I can fit two, not long after that I can get both hands in there and stretch it out to a diameter of about 6 feet."

The officer's jaw hangs open slightly and he stare blankly at the guy before saying, "Well.... what do you do with a 6 foot asshole?!!"

The man replies without missing a beat, "You give him a radar gun and park him on that overpass back there."


Josh Keady

1994 Super Coupe ('93 5.0L swap), 1990 Tbird 3.8L, 1982 Honda CB900F, 1972 F-100 SportCustom 4x4, 1970 Chevy Custom Camper / 20
Josh_Keady is offline  
post #73 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 03:25 PM
MA Chapter Director

Administrator
 
Rodeo Joe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Franklin, MA
Age: 60
Posts: 7,359
Garage
The Assassin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists . . . two
men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.
Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't
kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same
instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the
room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said.
"I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Women are evil; don't mess with them!

It's not a 97 Sport, it just looks like one!

Mass. TCCoAers, Send me your info!

I buy all my Ford parts from 93 lx.

Member of the TCCoA Damage Control Team.

R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975 - 2011
Rodeo Joe is offline  
post #74 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 03:32 PM
Back in Black

Administrator
 
ShadowDragon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Charlotte NC
Age: 41
Posts: 14,176
A skeptical guy goes one of those psychics.

During the reading the psychic looks to the man and says "Ah.. I see you are the father of two children."

The man laughs "See I knew you were fakes, I am the father of three children."

The psychic replies "That's what you think."

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

1997 Thunderbird LX 4.6 AED 349.27RWHP/391.29RWTQ Engine Build Exterior shots
2002 Thunderbird Premium Triple Black 3.9
2013 Fusion Hybrid
*SCRAPPED* 1994 LX 4.6 NA 13.6@100mph 236.07RWHP/286.26RWTQ
ShadowDragon is offline  
post #75 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 04:15 PM
3rd Gear Poster
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Kansas City, MO
Age: 33
Posts: 160
Send a message via AIM to trakslacker
The Seven Dwarfs

The Seven Dwarfs were sitting in a tub feeling happy.

So Happy got up and left.




~J. Wo

'95 4.6L T-Bird LX
Chip, Removed Silencer, etc. No time (or money) for fun stuff right now.

"My Lug nuts require more torque than your Honda makes."
trakslacker is offline  
post #76 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-08-2003, 06:35 PM
Pedal Faster
 
Josh_Keady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: No. Oregon
Age: 33
Posts: 2,658
Send a message via AIM to Josh_Keady
A lawyer parks his new Lexus on a New York street one day and swings his door wide open without looking behind him. He's screaming in to his cell phone as he starts to get out, but all of the sudden a garbage truck rolls by and tears the door off of the car.

The garbage truck screeches to a stop ahead of the Lexus and the driver gets out. Enraged, the lawyer rushes the garbage truck driver and begins screaming at him,

"YOU IDIOT!!! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY CAR!!!"

The garbage man looks slightly pale and very concerned, he says, "Mister, are you okay?"

The lawyer, ignoring the comment, screams again, "LOOK AT IT! THE DOOR IS GONE, THE FENDER IS SMASHED!"

The lawyer continues to scream for a good minute and a half until a police officer arrives on the scene. The friendly officer tells the garbage truck driver to go wait by his truck and then calls for an ambulance on her radio.

The lawyer, still fuming, yells at the officer, "Why an ambulance? We need a tow truck!"

The officer remains very calm and says to the lawyer, "You know, you lawyers are all the same, so high-strung, always thinking about your possessions, never your own safety."

The lawyer calms down and thinks for a second, then he replies, "What makes you say that?"

Says the officer, "Well, when that garbage truck hit your door it took your arm off with it."

Josh Keady

1994 Super Coupe ('93 5.0L swap), 1990 Tbird 3.8L, 1982 Honda CB900F, 1972 F-100 SportCustom 4x4, 1970 Chevy Custom Camper / 20
Josh_Keady is offline  
post #77 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-12-2003, 09:02 PM
Back in Black

Administrator
 
ShadowDragon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Charlotte NC
Age: 41
Posts: 14,176
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded,
so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation.

In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: "snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

1997 Thunderbird LX 4.6 AED 349.27RWHP/391.29RWTQ Engine Build Exterior shots
2002 Thunderbird Premium Triple Black 3.9
2013 Fusion Hybrid
*SCRAPPED* 1994 LX 4.6 NA 13.6@100mph 236.07RWHP/286.26RWTQ
ShadowDragon is offline  
post #78 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-12-2003, 11:32 PM
CatBird Creator
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Livonia, MI
Age: 32
Posts: 165
Send a message via AIM to ChromeTip
What is the difference between a Mercedes and a pile of dead babies?

-I dont have a Mercedes in my garage!

What is similar between a truckload of hay and a truckload of dead babies?

-You can unload each with a pitchfork!

Ahahaha, I'm a sick individual!

~Legendary Catbird Creator~

Now owner of 1994 Thunderbird LX...where do i start?
ChromeTip is offline  
post #79 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-12-2003, 11:58 PM
6th Gear Poster
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Torrance, CA
Posts: 620
I thought mine was bad!
Matt S. is offline  
post #80 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-13-2003, 12:29 AM
5th Gear Poster
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Age: 36
Posts: 498
Send a message via Yahoo to wkenneth
I dont know any jokes. But this one will make you laugh
http://www.snopes.com/photos/video/nokia.avi (Have to copy and paste.)
wkenneth is offline  
post #81 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-15-2003, 02:55 PM
AnimeWhore
 
otakujohn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Seattle, WA
Age: 40
Posts: 1,796
Send a message via AIM to otakujohn
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pieman
Going to the fair
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dumbass!"

HICKORY DICKORY DOCK,
Three mice ran up the clock
the clock struck one,
and the others got away with minor injuries.


Buttercups...

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his
ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature Do you know how long it took me
to make those buttercups ?

Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of
your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for
the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have
any butter for anything the rest of your life !"

Then POOF!....she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred.
"Fred, where are you ?" Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING
!!"


Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please. The
woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.


Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a
driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch
purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps opens the clutch
purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank
you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that
you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: 'Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
otakujohn is offline  
post #82 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-15-2003, 02:56 PM
cookie-cutter hotrod
 
SC_Steve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Buffalo, NY
Age: 35
Posts: 1,290
Send a message via AIM to SC_Steve
Talking

The girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids
could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,
9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e,
f,g!"
"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other

girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to
reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."

2001 Mustang GT ~ The Cookie-Cutter Hotrod
It's stock... no, seriously... it is
SC_Steve is offline  
post #83 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-15-2003, 03:01 PM
cookie-cutter hotrod
 
SC_Steve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Buffalo, NY
Age: 35
Posts: 1,290
Send a message via AIM to SC_Steve
Talking no offence on these....

how did the Nazi's take Poland?

They marched in backwards and pretended they were leaving


-------------
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower?


hand her a shovel j/k

2001 Mustang GT ~ The Cookie-Cutter Hotrod
It's stock... no, seriously... it is
SC_Steve is offline  
post #84 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-15-2003, 05:20 PM
Veteran Poster
 
1Bad-95Cougar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 715
ok heres is a good one.. This lady goes to a doctor and says, my husban isn't pleaseing me in bed.. The doctor says well do you want me to help. The lady replies yes that would be great. So the doctor says here is some viagra you can offer it to him, come back in a day or two and we will see if it helped.. So 2 days later the lady comes back and says wow that was great can i get some more. The doc say sure and gives her some more. Again 2 days later she comes back and asks for more. This time the doc just gives her a box of viagra and says this should last awhile.


5 Days later a little boy comes to the doc, the boy says COME HERE!! THe doc bends over and say whats wrong, and the boy slaps him in the face. The doc asks what the hell was that for and the boy responds. Well my mom is dead my sister is pregnet, my butt hurts, and my dad is running around the house screaming here kitty kitty ...


Your mama is like a TV even a 2 year old can turn her on.
1Bad-95Cougar is offline  
post #85 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-15-2003, 07:34 PM
PostWhore
 
Audiobahnbird's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Mechanic Falls, Maine
Age: 32
Posts: 1,411
Send a message via AIM to Audiobahnbird
I think i mightve told that one already

Please enjoy my new and improved short signature- Russ
Audiobahnbird is offline  
post #86 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-15-2003, 08:25 PM
Sheepish
 
AverageJoe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: San Antonio
Age: 32
Posts: 4,085
Send a message via AIM to AverageJoe Send a message via Yahoo to AverageJoe
Quote:
Originally posted by Audiobahnbird
I think i mightve told that one already
Yep, 16 posts up from his. lol

B Team - More skill, more results. A is only a starting point before progressing to B.

Member of the 'B-Team'. Finishing jobs the 'A-Team' can't handle.
AverageJoe is offline  
post #87 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-16-2003, 08:08 AM
Veteran Poster
 
1Bad-95Cougar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Chicago
Posts: 715
LOL sorry about that.. I guess I am retarted
1Bad-95Cougar is offline  
post #88 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-16-2003, 03:20 PM
Comes here when I can
 
tre45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Anchorage, AK
Age: 41
Posts: 668
Thumbs up

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting
back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!"

My name be GT
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss (1904 - 1991)
tre45 is offline  
post #89 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-16-2003, 03:21 PM
Comes here when I can
 
tre45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Anchorage, AK
Age: 41
Posts: 668
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, " Yea Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror.

My name be GT
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~ Dr. Seuss (1904 - 1991)
tre45 is offline  
post #90 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-16-2003, 06:05 PM
Big-D
 
Focus's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Garland, Texas
Posts: 1,275
Things I've learned about East Texas.......


*Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
*There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in East Texas..*There
are
10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in East Texas, plus a couple
no
one's seen before.
*Squirrels will eat anything.
*Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.
*Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are
ripe.
*If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls; it bites.
*A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
*Onced and Twiced are words.
*It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
*People actually grow and eat okra.
*"Fixin' to" is one word.
*There is no such thing as "lunch." There's only dinner and then
there's supper.
*Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're
two.
*Backards and forwards means I know everything about you.
*"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
*You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it
is.You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.


More about East Texans....
You know you're from East Texas if:


1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. You know what a 'VOL' is.
4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in
it,
no matter what

time of the year.
5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixin' to go to the store.
6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable,
grain, insect or

animal.
7. You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both
unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
9. You know what "cow tipping" is.
10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, tobasco and catsup.
11. The local papers cover national and international news on one page
but
require 6

pages for local gossip and sports.
12. Your think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
13. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and
Christmas.
15. You know whether another East Texan is from east, west, or middle
Texas as soon as they open their mouth.


16. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin'
Wal-martin' " or"off to 'Wally World.'"
17. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good
pinto-bean
weather.
18. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke,
regardless of brand or

flavor, Example: "What kinna coke you want?"
19. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.
20. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from
East
Texas (and

those who just wish they were).

DFW / HOUSTON
Please contact the current Tx Chapter Director Speed95 for All Texas Chapter business
Focus is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the TCCoA Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.




Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 2 (0 members and 2 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome