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post #91 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-16-2003, 06:17 PM
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Rental Car Extras
Tiger Woods is competing in a pro-am tournament overseas when he stops at a gas station to fill up his rental car.

"Good morning to you, sir," says the station attendant, who isn't a golf fan and doesn't know who Tiger is.

As Tiger climbs out of the Buick, two tees fall from his pocket. "Well, what are those, sonny?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," Tiger replies.

"Tees, huh? And what would you be using them for?" asks the worker.

"Well, they are for resting my balls on when I drive," says Tiger.

"Holy cow!" exclaims the attendant. "Those fellows at Buick think of everything."

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post #92 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-19-2003, 11:56 PM
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After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

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R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

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post #93 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-20-2003, 10:07 AM
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don't ever do that again....heheheheh
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post #94 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-24-2003, 04:35 PM
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Good one: Say this all as one joke

What do you call nuts on your chest?? Chest Nuts




What do you call nuts on the wall?? Wall Nuts




What do you call nuts on your chin?? A dick in your mouth Faggot!!!!
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post #95 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-24-2003, 04:42 PM
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Whats the hardest thing about eating a vegetable....

putting her back in her chair when you're done!...

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post #96 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-25-2003, 10:12 AM
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A girl walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 loaf of bread
1 Qt of milk
1 box of cereal
1 frozen dinner
1 box of tissues

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles and says, "Single, huh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "Well .... Yes, how did you that?"

The checkout guy replies, "Because, you're ugly!"

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post #97 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-25-2003, 05:02 PM
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post #98 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-25-2003, 06:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by forcfed93
A girl walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 loaf of bread
1 Qt of milk
1 box of cereal
1 frozen dinner
1 box of tissues

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles and says, "Single, huh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "Well .... Yes, how did you that?"

The checkout guy replies, "Because, you're ugly!"
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post #99 of 1191 (permalink) Old 05-25-2003, 09:43 PM
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It's the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date's house to take her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.

"Have a seat," the old man says. "Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute." The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together. "You know," the dad says, "my daughter really loves to screw. She just loves to work up a sweat." He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who has nearly choked on his beer. "Yup, yup," the dad continues. "She loves that screwing. Just can?t get enough of it."

When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby hurries her out the door to his car. Five minutes later, she comes running back inside. "Damn it, Daddy!" she screams. "The twist! It's called the twist!"
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post #100 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-03-2003, 08:13 PM
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Three men, a German, a Japanese and a Hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him in question. "That was my pager", he said. "I have a micro-chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained. "That was my cell phone. I have a micro chip in my hand".

The Hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him in disbelief. The Hillbilly finally said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX!!!"

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

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post #101 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-03-2003, 11:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Focus
3. You know what a 'VOL' is.
I'm from the heart of East Texas and I have no idea what a VOL is, other than an abbreviation for volume.

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post #102 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-05-2003, 12:18 AM
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NO OFFENCE TO ANYONE...BUUUUUT

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?













Wanna go Bike Riding?

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post #103 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-05-2003, 12:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Earl
Wanna go Bike Riding?
I don't get... oooh sparkly.

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

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post #104 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-05-2003, 01:54 PM
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hahaha... seen that one in the new maxim

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post #105 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-05-2003, 10:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Earl
NO OFFENCE TO ANYONE...BUUUUUT

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?







Wanna go Bike Riding?
Earl,
I like bikes, I'll take a ham and cheese!


Michael Albee - President - Super Coupe Club Of IOWA

Titanium 1991 SC - Auto
13.265 @ 102.63 mph

Stock Crank, Stock M90, and Stock SC Top .... Everything Else .... Ah, Not So Much!!!!
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post #106 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-19-2003, 01:26 PM
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A guy called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes sir, that's true." answered the lawyer.

He then asked, "And is it also true that people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with burgers and fries?"

The lawyer replys, "It sure is, but why do you ask?"

The guy says, "Well I was just thinkin'-- maybe I can sue Budweiser for pain and suffering .... after all it's because of them, that I married that ugly women I've been married to for the past 10 years."

Michael Albee - President - Super Coupe Club Of IOWA

Titanium 1991 SC - Auto
13.265 @ 102.63 mph

Stock Crank, Stock M90, and Stock SC Top .... Everything Else .... Ah, Not So Much!!!!
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post #107 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-19-2003, 03:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by kenshi


I'm from the heart of East Texas and I have no idea what a VOL is, other than an abbreviation for volume.
I'll have to take the fifth amendment on that, and see if I can find out.... not a clue?



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post #108 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-19-2003, 03:46 PM
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I think he meant a vole:



http://www.nsrl.ttu.edu/tmot1/microchr.htm http://www.nsrl.ttu.edu/tmot1/micrpine.htm

And no, I don't live in TX, I live in MA
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post #109 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-19-2003, 03:55 PM
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Two jokes for everyone..

A manager is training a new guy how to run his porno shop, and the manager has to leave for an errand. While the manager was gone, a white woman walks into the store and looks at the display of dildos behind the counter.
Finally, the white woman asks the new guy: "How much for the white dildo?"
The new guy replies: "$20."
The woman looks around and asks again, "How much for the black dildo?"
The new guy replies: "$20 for the white dildo, $20 for the black dildo."
After a while of consideration, the woman finally decides to buy the black one and happily walks off with her new-found friend.
Ten minutes later a black woman walks into the store and looks at the display of dildos behind the counter.
Finally, the black woman asks the new guy: "How much for the black dildo?"
The new guy replies: "$20."
The woman looks around and asks again, "How much for the white dildo?"
The new guy replies, "$20 for the black dildo, $20 for the white dildo."
After a while of consideration, the woman finally decides to buy the white one and happily walks off with her new-found friend.
Ten minutes later a blonde walks into the store and looks at the display of dildos behind the counter.
Finally, the blonde asks the new guy: "How much for the white dildo?"
The new guy replies, "$20."
The woman looks around and asks again, "How much for the black dildo?"
The new guy replies, "$20 for the white dildo, $20 for the black dildo."
After a while of looking, the blonde asks "How much for the plaid dildo?"
The new guy replies, "Now, that one is a special and magical dildo. That one will cost you $100."
The blonde replies without hesitation. "I'll buy it!" and happily walks off with her new-found friend.
Ten minutes later, the manager comes back and asks the new guy, "How did you do?"
The new guy replies. "Well, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and your thermos!"

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Midwest Thundercats
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post #110 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-19-2003, 04:03 PM
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A woman walks into a magic store, looking for a birthday present.
After awhile of looking, a woman spots what appeared to be a purple dildo.
The woman picked it up and brought it over to the store clerk and asked him, "What is this?"
The clerk replied, "That is a magical dildo."
The woman is skeptical and asks him "How does it work?"
"Well," the clerk replies, "you say 'purple penis' and the place you want it to go to, and it will!"
The woman is still skeptical, but says "I'll buy it."
So the woman takes it with her into the car and says "Purple penis my hole." And magically the dildo does its thing while she's driving home.
After awhile she gets tired and tries to stop it, but it doesn't! So she tries to grab the dildo while she's driving erradically down the road. A cop spots her and quickly pulls her over just after the woman yanks the dildo out.
The cop walks over to her and asks her what the problem is.
"Well," the woman replies, "I bought this purple penis and I tell it where to go and it magically does!"
The cop smirks and says, "Purple penis my ***."

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Midwest Thundercats
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post #111 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-19-2003, 10:15 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally posted by Crystal
I think he meant a vole:



http://www.nsrl.ttu.edu/tmot1/microchr.htm http://www.nsrl.ttu.edu/tmot1/micrpine.htm

And no, I don't live in TX, I live in MA
ug, I see enough of those already. except they are lying on my deck, decapitated. Lovely presents from my cat.

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post #112 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-19-2003, 10:37 PM
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Good ones, Amp.

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post #113 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-20-2003, 01:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Crystal
I think he meant a vole:



http://www.nsrl.ttu.edu/tmot1/microchr.htm http://www.nsrl.ttu.edu/tmot1/micrpine.htm

And no, I don't live in TX, I live in MA

Thanx Crystal.... But that looks like a Frick'n RAT!!!

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post #114 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-21-2003, 09:18 PM
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Well I didn't see this one, and I found it funny so...

At a retirement home, an old lady is pretending to drive, and is going up and down the hallways swerving around. An old man jumps out of a doorway and asks the old lady to pull over. She stops on the side of the hallway and asks what the problem is. The old man tells her that she was swerving around, and he will need to see her license. The old lady fishes around in her pocket and pulls out a scrap of paper, the old man looks at it, returns it, and sends her on her way with a warning.

The woman keeps pretending to drive, and is still swerving, when the old man jumps out again. He asks her to pull over again, she does and asks what the problem is. He asks if she has had anything to drink that night. She replies a little drink. He asks to see her registration this time. She fishes around in her pocket again, and pulls out a different scrap of paper. She hands it to the old man, he looks at it, returns it and sends her on her way.

By now the old woman is swerving around a lot. She is going down the hallway, when the old man jumps out completley naked. The old woman stops and says, "Oh no! Not the breathalizer test again!"
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post #115 of 1191 (permalink) Old 06-27-2003, 09:21 AM
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A Montgomery, WV police officer had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS", and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)


A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As WV State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the WV State Police Ball. "He replied, "WV State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he had just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

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post #116 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-15-2003, 09:05 PM
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At Los Angeles Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

1997 Thunderbird LX 4.6 AED 349.27RWHP/391.29RWTQ Engine Build Exterior shots
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2013 Fusion Hybrid
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post #117 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-16-2003, 01:56 AM
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When this guy was a kid he lost his eye in a tragic childhood accident. His family was poor and could not afford an expensive glass eye so his dad carved him one out of wood. He went his entire life being self conscious about his wooden eye.

One night he's at a bar with a few friends and spots a girl with a big nose sitting alone accross the room. He figures she's not that good looking and maybe he can get her. He walks over and says "Want to dance?" She replies "Would I?!" And he yells "BIG NOSE!"



And now a few sexist jokes. NO OFFENSE!


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post #118 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-16-2003, 02:04 AM
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this kid was born with no eyelids, so when he was circumsized (sp?) the doctors used the foreskin as eyelids. the parents were waiting outside the ER when the head doctor came out after the operation. he said to the couple, "i have good news and bad news. the good news is the operation was a success. the bad news is your son is going to be cock-eyed the rest of his life."

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post #119 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-17-2003, 05:22 PM
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The Countryfolk Computer Aptitude Test


1. LOG ON: Makin' a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

DFW / HOUSTON
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post #120 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-17-2003, 05:30 PM
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A midget walks into a bar and slips on the floor over a big pile of crap.
The midget stands up, rubs his head and walks to the counter to get a beer.
Then a really big guy walks into the bar and slips on the floor over a big pile of crap.
The midget walked over to the guy after he got back up.
The midget said "I just did that."
The big guy punched the midget's lights out.

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Midwest Thundercats
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