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post #151 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-08-2004, 06:33 PM
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math > pasta
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post #152 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-10-2004, 02:00 PM
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Quote:
The other night a woman was invited out for a night with "the girls." she told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times.
LMAO !!!

OK, here's one from the newest Maxim:



Did you hear about the Scottsman who thought he'd caught a nasty STD?

Turns out he was just allergic to wool .

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post #153 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-13-2004, 12:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Craig-and-Molly
"Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign!"

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign!"

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign!"

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Okay Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... Now you need to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign!"

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning, ok no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So...is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign!""

Bill engvall is great, git-er-done
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post #154 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-13-2004, 08:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by lfteyechicken



Bill engvall is great, git-er-done
My favorite Bill Engvall joke .............

A guy is using a coat hanger to try to unlock his car when someone walks up and says, "Did ya lock your key in the car?" to which he replies, "NOPE, I just washed it and I'm going to hang it up to dry"!!!!! (Here's yer sign)

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post #155 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-13-2004, 10:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by forcfed93


My favorite Bill Engvall joke .............

A guy is using a coat hanger to try to unlock his car when someone walks up and says, "Did ya lock your key in the car?" to which he replies, "NOPE, I just washed it and I'm going to hang it up to dry"!!!!! (Here's yer sign)
Actually when he tells that one (at least on the Blue Collar DVD) it's him that asks the stupid question.

He says "I'm walking out of the mall and see a guy with a coat hanger in the window, and I could not stop myself...etc"

It's even funnier that way because he did it himself!

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post #156 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-13-2004, 12:03 PM
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A bus full of UGLY people is driving along. An 18 Wheeler Frieghliner comes and hits the bus head on. Everyone on the bus is killed.

When they arrived to heaven, GOD felt bad for these people and decided that they we're deserving of one wish to be granted each.

So the 1st person says to GOD "I want to be beautiful"
As does the 2nd and third and everyone else after hearing the person before them ask for beauty...

As GOD is granting these requests, he hears the man at the end of the line laughing. GOD continues going down the line but he cant help but notice the man at the end of the line that is about to piss his pants he is laughing so hard.

So GOD finally gets to the last person and asks him what is so funny...The man says....




Make them all ugly again...

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post #157 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-13-2004, 09:53 PM
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post #158 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-14-2004, 10:43 AM
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Aw man, I just read that on eBaum's world and came here to post it. Looks like ya beat me to it.
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post #159 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-14-2004, 11:30 PM
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Saw these posted on MD and got a kick out of them....

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Sold = 96 Thunderbird
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post #160 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-15-2004, 12:14 AM
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WOW! those are great.

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post #161 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-15-2004, 05:17 AM
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Awsome jokes, took an hour up of my work day............


THANKS EVERYONE!

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post #162 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-16-2004, 04:51 PM
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Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".

The town council was not happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to

"Hysterias and Posteriors".

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to

"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

No go. Next, they tried

"Catatonics and High Colonics".

Thumbs down again.. Then came

"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives".

Still no good. How about

"Minds and Behinds"?

Nope. So they tried

"Lost Souls and *** Holes".

Still no go. Nor did

"Analysis and Anal Cysts",

"Nuts and Butts"

"Freaks and Cheeks"

"Loons and Moons"

work either. Almost at their wits end, the doctors finally came up with a business
slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council.

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends".

It was approved.

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post #163 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-16-2004, 05:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by jordansypek
A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''

She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''
so what then she only needed one screw for the hinge. usually to hold a hinge to a door and a door to a hinge it takes three. So he should be saying "do you want some screws for that hinge?"........lol. Kill.

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post #164 of 1191 (permalink) Old 07-16-2004, 08:19 PM
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wonder if she left with the toaster?

-Walter

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post #165 of 1191 (permalink) Old 08-03-2004, 12:37 PM
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http://load.pquinn.com/binaries/fries

.

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post #166 of 1191 (permalink) Old 08-19-2004, 01:54 AM
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What do you call two Mexicans playing Basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capactiy of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US Leader

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians, and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 People who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden Retriever.

Whats the fastest way to a mans heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men marry virgins?
We can't stand criticism.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead, are all in 3rd grade, who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, shes 18.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, Row, Row, your Boat.

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

How do you know Michael Jackson has a hot date?
There's a tricycle parked in the driveway.

Enjoy.....

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post #167 of 1191 (permalink) Old 08-20-2004, 02:03 PM
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A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.

The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing. "I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working." "Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

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Stock Crank, Stock M90, and Stock SC Top .... Everything Else .... Ah, Not So Much!!!!
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post #168 of 1191 (permalink) Old 08-20-2004, 02:29 PM
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An personal manager was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.

He asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"

She replied, "I'd have to say the living one."

Michael Albee - President - Super Coupe Club Of IOWA

Titanium 1991 SC - Auto
13.265 @ 102.63 mph

Stock Crank, Stock M90, and Stock SC Top .... Everything Else .... Ah, Not So Much!!!!
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post #169 of 1191 (permalink) Old 09-14-2004, 05:56 PM
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An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she asked, "Are you sick?"
"No, he said I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got out of her rocker and put on her coat.
He asked, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He asked, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"

RIP Joel Bender and Preston Smith. The world will never be the same without you.
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post #170 of 1191 (permalink) Old 09-15-2004, 11:02 PM
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What position do you have sex in to get ugly children?

Ask your parents.

International Harvester all the way!
Remember: Nothing runs like a DEERE, and nothing dies like one either! LOL
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post #171 of 1191 (permalink) Old 09-16-2004, 03:02 PM
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My girlfriend called last night and said, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."

I asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

She said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

I said sure I'd be over and help with the puzzle. She let me in and showed me where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

I studied the pieces for about a half second, looked at the box, then turned
to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

I took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have
nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", I sighed loudly, "Let's see if we can put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

Michael Albee - President - Super Coupe Club Of IOWA

Titanium 1991 SC - Auto
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Stock Crank, Stock M90, and Stock SC Top .... Everything Else .... Ah, Not So Much!!!!
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post #172 of 1191 (permalink) Old 09-16-2004, 05:06 PM
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already posted on page 2.... still a great joke though

math > pasta
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post #173 of 1191 (permalink) Old 09-16-2004, 06:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by StupidFly
already posted on page 2.... still a great joke though

Oopps,
Musta missed it!!!!!

Michael Albee - President - Super Coupe Club Of IOWA

Titanium 1991 SC - Auto
13.265 @ 102.63 mph

Stock Crank, Stock M90, and Stock SC Top .... Everything Else .... Ah, Not So Much!!!!
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post #174 of 1191 (permalink) Old 09-16-2004, 08:37 PM
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Been so long, though, that it was a surprise to me.

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post #175 of 1191 (permalink) Old 09-18-2004, 01:36 PM
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Little Johny is at his grandmothers house. Grandma has to take a shower, but knowing Little Johnny, she doesn't want to leave him alone, so she brings him in the shower with her. Little Johnny, pointing to grandma's crotch says "Grandma, what's that thing?" Granny quickly replies "that's my beaver." Little Johnny replies "Oh, OK."

A few days later, Little Johny is back home with his mom, and she needs to freshen up before a party, but has the same dillema, so she brings Little Johnny into the shower with her as well. Little Johhny, once again pointing at mom's crotch says" you have a beaver just like Grandma's, but I think hers is dead cause it's tounge is hanging out!"

--> Hiding behind desk now<--

"I'm fat, you're ugly.. I can diet!"

"I may not be smart, but I can lift heavy objects"

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post #176 of 1191 (permalink) Old 10-07-2004, 01:46 PM
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The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten 100 dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.

Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

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post #177 of 1191 (permalink) Old 10-07-2004, 08:26 PM
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To the culinary artists out there... This is a drop dead riot!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is!

They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astro- dome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.


INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.



CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. gal is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?



CHILI # 5 E: MeatyWILTON'S POKER PARTY CHILI

JUDGE ON, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!



CHILI # 6 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!




CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

"Nevermore." --Frank

I am as mechanically inclined as Hellen Keller is with a Rubik's Cube!
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post #178 of 1191 (permalink) Old 10-07-2004, 11:43 PM
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There was a blonde carpenter working on the roof of a building. He was cutting some wood when he accedentally cut his ear off. He yelled down to a man walking by to throw his ear back up to him. The man picked up the ear and asked if that was it. The carpenter said, "No, mine had a pencil behind it."
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post #179 of 1191 (permalink) Old 10-08-2004, 12:36 AM
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What's going on in the car forums?

Bentley Forums
- - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang (Chevelle) forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
- - -Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- - - When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forums
- - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum
- - -Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)

Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Chevy Suburban Forum
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

Buick Forum
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums
- - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar forum
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mercedes forum
- - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

Mini forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
- - -Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.

Fiat forum
- - -Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Chevy pickup forum
- - - How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?

SRT Forums
"Will this void my warranty"

RX7 Forums
- - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.

DSM Forums
- - -Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me

Supra Forums
- - -Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Vette Forums
- - -Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel?

Ford 2.3 forums
- - -Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!

2009 Harley-Davidson Road Glide
1996 F350 CCLB 7.3 5 speed 4x4
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post #180 of 1191 (permalink) Old 10-08-2004, 12:57 AM
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All funny, but dugweed's was great!

Benjamin' 07/30/82 Christian MySpace CarDomain
Celica and Chevy 1500 are sold for parts. Now I'm left with the broken Buick and my '98 Dakota.
Bedroom: Pioneer VSX23, DefTech BP6s (front) ProCenter 2000, Mirage Omni 350s, 10" Kicker L7 pushed by PExpress plate amp, XBox 360, PS3, 50" LG 3D plasma.
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