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post #211 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-13-2004, 07:11 PM
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And then the angry elephant starts to stampede.
And you yell to your blonde girlfriend, "How do we stop this stampeding elephant?"
She yells back, "Cut his stampeder off" !


Quote:
Originally posted by Deus003
How do you fit 3 Elephants into a VW Bug?




2 in the front..........one in the back seat


How do you tell if there is an elephant in your fridge???



There is elephant tracks in your butter


How do you tell if there is 2 elephants in your fridge???



There is elephant tracks in the butter and the door wont close




How do you tell if there is 3 elephants in your fridge???


There is elephant tracks in your butter, the door wont close, and there is a VW Bug in the drive way......



--Craig

Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.
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post #212 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-14-2004, 12:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Sideoiler
And then the angry elephant starts to stampede.
And you yell to your blonde girlfriend, "How do we stop this stampeding elephant?"
She yells back, "Cut his stampeder off" !


ELEPHANT STEW !

A Yummie Recipe for Really Big Entertainers!

One large elephant
A few bushels of your favorite vegetables
One large kettle half full of water.
50 lbs Salt
20 lbs Black Pepper
10 Garlic Powder
100 lbs all purpose flour

Clean and cut into small cubes. This will take about 2 months. Put in large kettle and simmer over Medium heat (450 degrees) for 14 weeks. Stir occationally.

About an hour before serving, add vegetables. Using most of the flour, start making the gravy and cover.

NOTE: This recipe will feed approximately 36,850 people. If more meat is needed, add 2 rabbits, (but ONLY IF NECESSARY), since very few people care for hare in their stew.

Michael Albee - President - Super Coupe Club Of IOWA

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13.265 @ 102.63 mph

Stock Crank, Stock M90, and Stock SC Top .... Everything Else .... Ah, Not So Much!!!!
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post #213 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-14-2004, 05:50 AM
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Ba Dum Bump!

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post #214 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-24-2004, 09:44 AM
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Wednesday joke thread.

Joke 1

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

Nick......................I'm back!!!
May you fly low and fast
rest in peace JL
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post #215 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-24-2004, 09:46 AM
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Joke 2

Woman: Can I get Viagra here?

Pharmacist: Yes.

Woman: Can I get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can.
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post #216 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-24-2004, 09:48 AM
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Joke 3

This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen. He watches her for 3 days straight, and can't stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string: ''If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10."
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post #217 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-24-2004, 09:50 AM
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Joke 4

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
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post #218 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-24-2004, 09:51 AM
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Joke 5

Confucious Say...

He who go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with stinky finger.
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post #219 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-24-2004, 10:01 AM
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Joke 6

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."
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post #220 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-24-2004, 10:07 AM
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Joke 7

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
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post #221 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-24-2004, 10:08 AM
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40 Things Never Said By Southerners

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

Nick......................I'm back!!!
May you fly low and fast
rest in peace JL
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post #222 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-24-2004, 10:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by badbird95
What do you call AverageJoe with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Fixed it for you.

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

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post #223 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-24-2004, 10:14 AM
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A string walks into a bar and says to the batender "hey give me a beer" the bartender goes, sorry, we don't serve strings here. The string goes alright, walks out of the bar, rips all his threads apart, ties himself together, and walks back into the bar and says "hey give me a beer" The bartender goes, aren't you the string that was just in here? The string says "no, i'm afraid knot"

My other home:
Mid-AtlanticMN12's

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post #224 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-24-2004, 10:15 AM
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Whats green and smells like pork?

Kermits Finger



What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam

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post #225 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-24-2004, 11:55 AM
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And now y'all get the first title under his username.

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

1997 Thunderbird LX 4.6 AED 349.27RWHP/391.29RWTQ Engine Build Exterior shots
2002 Thunderbird Premium Triple Black 3.9
2013 Fusion Hybrid
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post #226 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-24-2004, 12:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by ShadowDragon


Fixed it for you.
thats cool, if he sees it.

Nick......................I'm back!!!
May you fly low and fast
rest in peace JL
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post #227 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-27-2004, 03:32 AM
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computer genius!

After reading this you should feel like a computer genius!

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, this is Celina. I can't get my diskette out.

Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.

Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...

Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates damn it!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it
says 'Can't find printer'.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but
the computer still says he can't find it...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: No.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.

Customer: It's not working.

Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?

Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's
happening...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: OK

Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A customer couldn't get on the internet.

Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What anti virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Helpdesk: That's not an anti virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?

Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you
please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?

Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?

Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' but how do I get the circle around
it?

brakes we dont need no stinking brakes just stand on the gas
my car domain site
http://www.cardomain.com/ride/535118
myspace page
http://www.myspace.com/caffine231
when life hands you lemons ... ask for Tequila and salt and call me over!
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post #228 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-27-2004, 04:04 AM
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That was funny man, good find or imagiination

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Best Auto Insurance | Auto Protection Today | FREE Trade-In Quote
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post #229 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-27-2004, 04:09 AM
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Sue Potato and Billy Potato

Sue Potato and Billy Potato had "eyes" for each other, and finally they got
married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'


Of course, they wanted the best for her.


When it was time, they told Yam about the facts of life.


They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get
accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and
end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.


Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a
rotten potato out of her!


But on the other hand, she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato
either.


She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring
cousins.


When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for
the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called
the French Fries.


And when she went out west, she watched out for the Indians so she wouldn't
get scalloped.


Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate
with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the
tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say 'Frito Lay.'


Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so
that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. Maybe marry money!


But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced
she was going to marry Peter Jennings.


"Peter Jennings!?"


Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.


They told Yam, "You can't possibly marry Peter Jennings... He's just a...


...


...


...


...


... COMMON TATER

brakes we dont need no stinking brakes just stand on the gas
my car domain site
http://www.cardomain.com/ride/535118
myspace page
http://www.myspace.com/caffine231
when life hands you lemons ... ask for Tequila and salt and call me over!
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post #230 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-27-2004, 04:13 AM
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Funny, now get back to work


Ed....
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post #231 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-27-2004, 04:29 AM
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now what fun would that be

brakes we dont need no stinking brakes just stand on the gas
my car domain site
http://www.cardomain.com/ride/535118
myspace page
http://www.myspace.com/caffine231
when life hands you lemons ... ask for Tequila and salt and call me over!
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post #232 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-27-2004, 04:56 AM
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*groan*

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

1997 Thunderbird LX 4.6 AED 349.27RWHP/391.29RWTQ Engine Build Exterior shots
2002 Thunderbird Premium Triple Black 3.9
2013 Fusion Hybrid
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post #233 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-27-2004, 06:13 PM
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What do you get when you cross Richard Gere with a Potato?






















A "Dick-Tater".................(ba-dum-bump)

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post #234 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-27-2004, 08:04 PM
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What's green and white and hates sex?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The girlscout tied up in the closet.
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post #235 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-27-2004, 08:44 PM
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Why was the blonde on top of the bar









Cause the bartender said drinks were on the house

My other home:
Mid-AtlanticMN12's

'96 Ford Tbird 3.8 SC
'06 Chrysler Sebring "Vert 2.7
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post #236 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-27-2004, 08:56 PM
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Why was the blonds tampon sting left hanging?

















Because Crabs need to bunjee jump too>>>

2011 Kia Sorrento
1996 T-bird
*SOLD* 2007 Suzuki M50

Looking for a new ride!
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post #237 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-29-2004, 10:41 PM
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"TOWEL HEADS"

Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words.

I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists who hate our guts and want to kill us do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not a towel but actually a small, folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads."

Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.

R.I.P. Joel Bender 07/30/79 - 03/26/06
R.I.P. Johnny Langton 1975-2011

1997 Thunderbird LX 4.6 AED 349.27RWHP/391.29RWTQ Engine Build Exterior shots
2002 Thunderbird Premium Triple Black 3.9
2013 Fusion Hybrid
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post #238 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-29-2004, 10:44 PM
Who is John Galt?

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Funny stuff

"Won't work, can't be done"
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post #239 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-30-2004, 06:28 PM
Who is John Galt?

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A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in the Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it. Once again, everybody is quite impressed. At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.

"Won't work, can't be done"
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post #240 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-30-2004, 08:47 PM
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Watch out for these new viruses - - Neither Symantec, Norton, nor McAfee have solutions as yet!!!
The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer, each time you turn it on.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks only minor files

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves... but will be back!

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah! Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows

RIP Joel Bender and Preston Smith. The world will never be the same without you.
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