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post #241 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-30-2004, 08:51 PM
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Norton is made by Symantec btw.

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post #242 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-30-2004, 08:52 PM
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it's an old joke... lol leave me alone

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post #243 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-30-2004, 08:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Litning
it's an old joke... lol leave me alone
Old joke but includes Bush & Kerry?

Norton has been a product line of Symantec since at least 1995, They might have been seperate at one point, I just don't remember it.

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post #244 of 1191 (permalink) Old 11-30-2004, 11:40 PM
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here's one:

there's this Asian that calls in to work, "Boss i not come today to work. my leg hurt, my arm hurt, my head hurt. i not come to work today." Boss says,"that's a real shame because i really need you today. I'll tell you what, when i feel like that i ask my wife for sex and afterwards i feel great." Asian guy says,"ok boss i do that" Later on the Asian guys calls back to work, "Boss you were right, i feel great now, i come in to work later. you have nice house."


edit: i don't mean affend anyone by using Asian, the joke is intended to make fun of the boss not the asian mentioned

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Last edited by mn12xr7; 12-01-2004 at 09:44 PM.
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post #245 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-01-2004, 03:40 PM
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would have been the same joke without saying asian?

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post #246 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-01-2004, 05:11 PM
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I think the idea is that the asian doesnt speak english very well, so he didnt get the real meaning of the advice the boss gave him, he took it word for word.

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post #247 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-01-2004, 07:06 PM
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ahhhh ok.... didn't really think the joke was funny either way i guess.

heh

Dunno if this is board appropriate but

What's the best thing about doing 28 year olds?





























Ya get to do 20 of them.

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post #248 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-01-2004, 08:07 PM
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hahaha, actually, this is how the proper joke is suppose to go...I think

Why does Michael Jackson like 28 year old boys?






because there's 20 of them.

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post #249 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-01-2004, 08:14 PM
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Two teenagers are boyfriend/girlfriend. The girl calls the boy and says "Hey come over my house tonight, meet my parents, have dinner with us, and then were going to have sex. The boy agrees, gets off the phone and goes to the pharmacy. He explains to the pharmacist about what is going to happen, he tells the pharmacist, that he's still a virgin, has never had sex, and doesnt know how to go about doing it. The pharmacist gives him a quick lecture on sex-ed and sells him some condoms. The boy later goes to his girlfriends house. They are all around the table getting ready to eat when the boy says he wants to say grace, the girl says okay. He then puts his head down, and is silent.....minutes go past when the girl finally says to him "I didnt know you were so religious" The boy looks over at the girl and says "I didnt know your dad was a pharmacist"

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post #250 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-01-2004, 09:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by cool dude
Two teenagers are boyfriend/girlfriend. The girl calls the boy and says "Hey come over my house tonight, meet my parents, have dinner with us, and then were going to have sex. The boy agrees, gets off the phone and goes to the pharmacy. He explains to the pharmacist about what is going to happen, he tells the pharmacist, that he's still a virgin, has never had sex, and doesnt know how to go about doing it. The pharmacist gives him a quick lecture on sex-ed and sells him some condoms. The boy later goes to his girlfriends house. They are all around the table getting ready to eat when the boy says he wants to say grace, the girl says okay. He then puts his head down, and is silent.....minutes go past when the girl finally says to him "I didnt know you were so religious" The boy looks over at the girl and says "I didnt know your dad was a pharmacist"


OLD but good though!


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post #251 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-02-2004, 10:56 AM
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Lessons

Lesson #1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he give you the $800 he owes me?"

::Moral of the story::
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson #2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a good look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily reached over and slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

::Moral of the story::
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson #3
A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."

::Moral of the story::
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson #4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

::Moral of the story::
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson #5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

::Moral of the story::
Bullsh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

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post #252 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-02-2004, 12:01 PM
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post #254 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-02-2004, 02:23 PM
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post #256 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-02-2004, 03:06 PM
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post #257 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-05-2004, 02:11 AM
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Japanese Cars???

This lady is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts.

Making sure she goes through his line she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."

They no sooner get out of the store and she again leans over and whispers, "You know, I have an Itchy P*ss*."

He responds, "You'll have to point it out to me lady, all those Japanese cars look alike!!"

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post #258 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-05-2004, 02:37 AM
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ha ha, maybe he thought it was a honduh,

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post #259 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-05-2004, 02:49 AM
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lol
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post #260 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-05-2004, 06:09 AM
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ha ha, maybe he thought it was a honduh,

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post #261 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-05-2004, 08:11 AM
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post #262 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-05-2004, 08:51 AM
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Im gonna use that one all the time........



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post #263 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-05-2004, 11:48 PM
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Penguin Vacation


A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth "it's just ice cream."

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post #264 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-05-2004, 11:59 PM
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Frying Pan

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Daisy; written on it?" his wife demanded.
"Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on," explained the husband.
The wife was satisfied, and apologized for bonking him.
Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when, once again, he is bonked on the head with the frying pan.
"What's that for this time?" he asked as he felt the bump rising on his head.
"Your horse called," said his wife.

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post #265 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-06-2004, 12:03 AM
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Cookies
Old folks are funny too


An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven?
Was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Keep away from those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

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post #266 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-06-2004, 12:04 AM
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Indian, Native American names

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you asking so many questions today?"

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post #267 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-06-2004, 12:25 AM
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Lawyer
Possessions


A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.

Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell and calls the cops. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically, "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's in the shop it'll simply never be the same again!"

After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."

"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.

The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"

The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "F**king hell!" he screams. "Where's my Rolex?!"

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post #268 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-06-2004, 12:28 AM
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Gay Rancher
Wild Night Out


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots...

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."

Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

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post #269 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-06-2004, 12:34 AM
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True Words
Can't Make This Stuff Up


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of biting their lip to stay calm
while these exchanges were taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ ___________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________ _______
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he does
know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition which I
sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
A: Yes.
Q: What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
__________________________________________________ ____________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, practicing law
somewhere.

My daily job is to fry rice for my customers....

My Bird is the nicest looking in Midland, Michigan

CarDomain Page

Every success are only archieveable through many mistake and that's the learning process.

Anyone looking for EBC Greenstuff front pads for non-sport front brakes?
brand new for $70 bucks shipped to your door within 48 states within United States.
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post #270 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-06-2004, 12:38 AM
Fry Rice Specialist
 
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Midland, Michigan
Age: 36
Posts: 4,794
Alaska
Gonna Be A Wild Time


Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road... Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, laughing. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

My daily job is to fry rice for my customers....

My Bird is the nicest looking in Midland, Michigan

CarDomain Page

Every success are only archieveable through many mistake and that's the learning process.

Anyone looking for EBC Greenstuff front pads for non-sport front brakes?
brand new for $70 bucks shipped to your door within 48 states within United States.
Casper is offline  
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