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post #1 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-06-2002, 05:37 PM Thread Starter
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The Joke Thread...

Penguin car problems
A vacationing penguin is driving down the road on a hot summer day when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin, he decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big vanilla ice cream cone and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.

After finishing his ice cream and getting it all over himself, he goes back to the gas station, and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and replies, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

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post #2 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-06-2002, 09:25 PM
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ba dum bump. Don't quit you're day job.
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
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post #3 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-06-2002, 09:37 PM
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It takes a marriage license to marry a man and a woman. What does it take to marry two women?


















A liquor license.
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post #4 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-07-2002, 07:16 PM Thread Starter
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hmm...maybe i should change the title to "the bad joke thread"

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post #5 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-07-2002, 10:14 PM
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by GreenBird
hmm...maybe i should change the title to "the bad joke thread" [/QUOTE

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post #6 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-07-2002, 11:07 PM
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jokes

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department
store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s
dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. The customer who was waiting in line
behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat
up?"

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post #7 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-07-2002, 11:09 PM
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bad joke thread sounds like a good idea.... anyways, my joke that i told was one my friend heard when he paid a bum in downtown detroit 50 cents for a joke.. -greg
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post #8 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-08-2002, 12:07 AM
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Carrying on the tradition ............

A guy walks into a bar with a toad on his shoulder.

Looking at the bartender the frog says, "Hey buddy, where can i get this wart removed?"


SORRY,

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post #9 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-08-2002, 08:43 AM
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How do you fit 3 Elephants into a VW Bug?




2 in the front..........one in the back seat


How do you tell if there is an elephant in your fridge???



There is elephant tracks in your butter


How do you tell if there is 2 elephants in your fridge???



There is elephant tracks in the butter and the door wont close




How do you tell if there is 3 elephants in your fridge???


There is elephant tracks in your butter, the door wont close, and there is a VW Bug in the drive way......



--Craig

I like my coffee black, like I like my metal.
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post #10 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-08-2002, 03:37 PM
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What did Tarzan say when he saw the herd of elephants coming through the jungle?

Hey there's a herd of elephants coming through the jungle.

What did Tarzan say when he saw the herd of elephants coming through the jungle with sunglasses on?

Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Bad jokes indeed.
GUN
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post #11 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-08-2002, 05:47 PM
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one hot summer day, several ducks are walking along a heavily wooded path that leads to a pond. as they are walking, in a single file line, of course, the first duck comes to a low limb. in order to warn the ducks behind him, he yells, 'people, people!'

haw haw haw haw


one day, two cavemen are trying to move this huge boulder. they try everything they can think of in order to move it, but nothing seems to work. they ponder on what to do. one comes up with an idea to use a long limb to pry one edge of the boulder up, rolling it forward. they try this, but it doesn't work either. another man who is walking by, sees what they are trying to do, and tells them he has a great idea. he leaves, and comes back a few minutes later with another man named nate. nate goes to the boulder, lifts the whole thing up, and moves it.

and the moral of the story is: better nate than lever

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post #12 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-09-2002, 02:17 PM
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A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good USC joke.
"Listen, buddy," he growled. "See those two big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Trojans football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at USC. That guy in the corner was USC's all-time champion weightlifter. And I lettered in three sports at USC. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"
"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
post #13 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-09-2002, 03:03 PM
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more bad jokes...

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

Wheres my tractor?

Did you hear about the new pirate movie.......

Its rated RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!(said in a piratey type voice)

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post #14 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-09-2002, 03:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Deus003
How do you fit 3 Elephants into a VW Bug?




2 in the front..........one in the back seat


How do you tell if there is an elephant in your fridge???



There is elephant tracks in your butter


How do you tell if there is 2 elephants in your fridge???



There is elephant tracks in the butter and the door wont close




How do you tell if there is 3 elephants in your fridge???


There is elephant tracks in your butter, the door wont close, and there is a VW Bug in the drive way......

--Craig


OK OK OK,
Naked blonde walks into a bar;
she's got a poodle under one arm and a 2ft salami under the other;
She walks up to the bar and sets the poodle down.
The bar tender comes over and says:
"So, I guess you won't be needing a drink huh?"
Naked Blonde says

She was driving the car, one thumb on the wheel; cigarette burnin, life to her was no big deal.
Her thin, white tanktop was almost see-thru; I've always been attracted to her dragon tattoo.
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post #15 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-09-2002, 03:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by AndyR


OK OK OK,
Naked blonde walks into a bar;
she's got a poodle under one arm and a 2ft salami under the other;
She walks up to the bar and sets the poodle down.
The bar tender comes over and says:
"So, I guess you won't be needing a drink huh?"
Naked Blonde says

what does she say?!?!?!?!?
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post #16 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-09-2002, 04:39 PM
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Talking "Yo mama...

"...is so fat, clumsy, and big that when she was on her way to walmart, she stumbled over k-mart and landed right on target"
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post #17 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-09-2002, 04:49 PM
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naked blond

that joke is from The Breakfast Club.....the joke was never finished in the movie...

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post #18 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-09-2002, 04:51 PM
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Re: naked blond

Quote:
Originally posted by mlbuxbaum
that joke is from The Breakfast Club.....the joke was never finished in the movie...

you were supposed to let them suffer alittle longer

She was driving the car, one thumb on the wheel; cigarette burnin, life to her was no big deal.
Her thin, white tanktop was almost see-thru; I've always been attracted to her dragon tattoo.
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post #19 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-10-2002, 09:07 AM
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Dead Baby Jokes

Whats better than 1 dead baby in a dumpster?





1 dead baby in ten dumpsters.
What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender?







An Erection.

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post #20 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-10-2002, 09:25 AM
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Re: Dead Baby Jokes

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."



ive heard a lot of dead baby jokes too, but i just cant pull myself to post them...

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post #21 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-10-2002, 09:29 AM
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Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

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post #22 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-10-2002, 09:31 AM
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A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left.
When she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?''

She looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''

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post #23 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-10-2002, 09:32 AM
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Re: Re: Dead Baby Jokes

Quote:
Originally posted by jordansypek
ive heard a lot of dead baby jokes too, but i just cant pull myself to post them...
If only everyone had your self control...

She was driving the car, one thumb on the wheel; cigarette burnin, life to her was no big deal.
Her thin, white tanktop was almost see-thru; I've always been attracted to her dragon tattoo.
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post #24 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-10-2002, 11:00 AM
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I hope these don't offend anyone:

Why do blonde's where big hooped earing on dates?
so they have somewhere to put their feet!

What do you call one blonde blowing into another blondes ear?
Data Transfer, lol!

Why did the blonde girl have bruises on her belly button?
Her boyfriend was blonde too!

What do you call 10 polish guys with Turbins on their head?
A Pack-A-Stanly's

What do you call an Italian with a broken arm?
A speach impedament!

I'll post more when I think of 'em



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post #25 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-10-2002, 11:05 AM
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What did the Asian couple name their semi-retarded child?
Sum-Ting-Wong

What do you call a woman with one wooden leg?
Ilean

What do you call a Chinese woman with one wooden leg?
Irene

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post #26 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-10-2002, 11:15 AM
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ok ok ok

There is a family leaving on a road trip and the dad pulls in for gas. As he is filling up his tank he starts talking to the guy next to him. The guy says where you headed, and the dad replys were from dallas and we are taking my grand mother back home to Austin (Now there grandmother cant here so good) she says WHAT HE SAY! and the dad said he asked where we are headed. Then the guy said thats cool i just came from dallas >>WHAT DID HE SAY!<< the dad said he said he was in dallas. then the guy said he loved dallas and the food was great and he really liked the people >>WHAT DID HE SAY!!<< the dad said he liked the food and the people. >OH OK<< Then the guy leaned in and said the only thing is I had the worst sex ever here I mean wow it was no good. >>>WHAT DID HE SAY<<<









He thinks he knows you!!!!

hahahaha......ha.....clap.....clap................ .

Thank you Thank you. (TAP TAP TAP) I'm here till thursday try the viel and dont forget to tip you waitress!

GOOD NIGHT

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post #27 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-10-2002, 11:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by SC_Steve

What do you call 10 polish guys with Turbins on their head?
A Pack-A-Stanly's

What do you call an Italian with a broken arm?
A speach impedament!

hahahahahha that polish one is great...

andy, yeah man... i might be a little wild with some of my posts... but dead babies definetly draws the line with me, all i keep getting is that picture in my head of the deformed babies on rotten.com.... man.. oooof... give me a decapitation anyday over the dead babies...

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post #28 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-10-2002, 11:51 AM
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Every time I hear a dead baby joke I think of Dilbert comics with his 3 fake babies that he uses to try and get dates...

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post #29 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-10-2002, 12:12 PM
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Talking 1 min. rice

How do you get one min. Rice????














Japaness car on the Quater mile!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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post #30 of 1191 (permalink) Old 12-10-2002, 12:34 PM
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