My opinion of this year's Indy 500. - TCCoA Forums
 
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-28-2008, 11:28 AM Thread Starter
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My opinion of this year's Indy 500.

WARNING: QUASI-SUGGESTIVE MATERIAL CONTAINED THEREIN, OR SOMETHING!

Just in case you have been living under a rock (or in an ex-accountant's office, surrounded by broken cars), the 92nd running of the Indy 500 happened last Sunday. I watched the entire race this time, only the second time I have done so, the last time being the 2006 race, when Marco Andretti almost won it.

Or was that last year? Damn, but time does fly.

At any rate, other than the 54,861 caution flags that flew during the race, as the marbles at the turn 2 wall claimed (I think it was turn two, anyway) 874 victims (most were Indy 500 rookies), the race was pretty exciting.....when they were actually racing. Kudos to the winner of the event, Scott Dixon, as nobody was going to catch this guy, and I was beginning to wonder if his wife was going to sexually assault him in Gasoline Alley after the race was over, as the poor guy had to push his horny-with-victory wife away in order to perform the post-race interview. Hell, if winning the Indy 500 produces that kind of effect with married females, gee, maybe I will lose 200 pounds, and have three vertebrates removed from my back in order to shorten my skeleton enough to fit into one of these cars, so I can win this event and have my wife try to sexually abuse me in the ear while some poor sexually-frustrated reporter guy tries to slip in a question or two.

However, my favorite of the race was Vitor Meira. This guy must have to detach his brass balls to drive the car, because this guy was the only one out there who actually passed other cars where you normally weren't supposed to pass.I think he sailed through the grass during a couple of passes, and at one point, I think he even drove through one of the grandstand seating areas at 230 mph just to get around some idiot who was stupid enough to drive at normal race speeds, sending beers, wheelchairs, and popcorn flying. Reminds me of me driving on the sidewalk to pass those idiots who drive really slowly through crowded school-zones and crosswalks.

The biggest let-down of the race? That the Mace-Windu-lookalike-Government-agent-goonish head of security prevented Danica Patrick from meeting up with her new favorite Indycar driver, Ryan Briscoe, after Ryan Cantdrive punted his car sideways into Danica upon exiting his pit stall, breaking the rear suspension of both cars. For those of you who didn't see what happened, after bringing her car back into the pits, she exited her pit stall, and began marching down to Ryan 'Sidestep' Briscoe's pit, so she could tell him, up close and personal just how incredibly much she appreciated not having to perform the tedious task of something as tacky as finishing the race in the top ten. I would really have enjoyed watching the five-foot-tall Danica do some Bruce Lee moves on Ryan's entire crew, and watch the hilarious spectacle of Ryan imitating Ricky Bobby's screaming like a woman routine, running around thinking he was on fire, while trying to evade Danica's Ninja attacks with chinese throwing stars. That would have been priceless.

The hard-luck award goes to Sarah Fisher, as Marco Andretti's failed attempt at driving like Vitor Meira ("Look at me, I'm Vitor Meira!"/passing on a corner) punted Andretti-Green Racing teammate Tony Kanaan out into the marbles. Tony kept it off of the wall, but spun the car right into the path of Sarah Fisher, who somehow managed to qualify a car into the field on a shoestring budget, who ran into Tony. In the first post-wreck interview, Tony accused his teammate Marco of 'driving like a woman' out there, and didn't sound too accepting of Marco's on-radio apology, telling reporters that he would be waiting for Marco after the race, armed with Rapiers and Tony's trademark 'Zorro' mask, to challenge Marco to a duel, replete with random Hollywood-style explosions and horse stampede, to salvage Sarah Fisher's honor.

I can't wait until next year.
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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-28-2008, 03:46 PM
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Watched it here as well, Jezz the in car shots are great !! Do not keep up with indy car series. Is there a FORD block in the field ?

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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-28-2008, 04:35 PM
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That's a GREAT write up. You missed your calling. (Unless you actually ARE a sports writer).

I couldn't have said it better myself. I felt so bad for Sarah Fisher. Hopefully she can make it through this setback and be back for Indy again next year.

As for Danica. I would have loved to see her kick some ars! She's got a hot temper. I definitely wouldn't want to piss her off.
For, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Like you said... I can't wait until next year!


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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-28-2008, 04:43 PM
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The best part of the race was her getting taken out.

Sorry but I can't stand her and she is not all she thinks she is.
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-28-2008, 04:47 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trunk Monkey View Post
That's a GREAT write up. You missed your calling. (Unless you actually ARE a sports writer).

I couldn't have said it better myself. I felt so bad for Sarah Fisher. Hopefully she can make it through this setback and be back for Indy again next year.

As for Danica. I would have loved to see her kick some ars! She's got a hot temper. I definitely wouldn't want to piss her off.
For, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Like you said... I can't wait until next year!

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not to hijack the thread but... nice man hands she has there heh??? lmao jeeze she looks pissed in that pic.. "everyone back away please.. sir....SIR Back Away!!" *random screaming and blood splattering*.."i told him to move.." lmao i can see that happening

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Last edited by cougar_guy04; 05-29-2008 at 01:57 PM. Reason: Removed IMG Tags from quote.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-29-2008, 09:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilMooseofDoom View Post

I can't wait until next year.

well-spoken(written)...


...a fine read.

I have a serious BEEF with the media myself.

I dont know(or care) how many cars finished the 500.
But I know more than 1 did.

I dont need to see the winner's wife smile, cry, shriek, hug, clap, praise, and run 2 seconds after the winner crosses the finish line.

Or like last year...Ashley Judd's wet t-shirt contest, while a true ratings booster, and awesome photo op, was misplaced...what were they expecting this year, Dixon's wife to remove her blouse, drop her trousers and reveal herself in a thong and halter for the cameras? NO

I sat through 3.5 hours of watching more than 1 car run the race... I'd like to see the OTHER cars finish the race. Get the camera off the wife...get the camera back on the track...it's the INDY 500, not the "Indy 500 winner, and their spouse" show...

spouses need to sit in a spouse box. Not the pit box. The racers dont get out and get kisses at each pit stop, so why are spouses AT the pit stall?

why is there a camera on every leading driver's spouse?

even Danica's husband has some air time...


they need to put spouses in a spouse tank...let them all sit and watch the race together...then fight it out when one racer wrecks another racer's spouse.

but yea...seriously...I saw 1 car cross the path of bricks.

Scott Dixon...




as for Danica...well, success breeds contempt. People invested millions of dollars in her driving, so I'd say she is all she thinks she is, and then some.
she's in a league way beyond any we could ever fathom.
try living life her way, and see how often you smile.

Oh, and i agree with what Eddie Cheever said...had that been any male racer walking towards Penske's pits, no one would say jack...

she's got it alot rougher than the boys do...and much of that is the media's fault. all she wants to do is race...and considering who she drives for, and what they have invested in her, I'd say she can race...and race well.

But...this isnt the Danica Debate...lover her, hate her, or be indifferent...it's all a matter of perspective. she's good for the sport, and the industry, and that is a good thing.

Last edited by Blackicelsc; 05-29-2008 at 09:24 AM.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-29-2008, 12:18 PM
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-29-2008, 07:24 PM
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Both you guys, EvilMooseofDoom & BlackIceLsc should get jobs writing for any one of the leading auto enthusiast mags, you both are more entertaining than what they provide.

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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-29-2008, 07:27 PM
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Both you guys, EvilMooseofDoom & BlackIceLsc should get jobs writing for any one of the leading auto enthusiast mags, you both are more entertaining than what they provide.
Agreed as well

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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-29-2008, 09:56 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackicelsc View Post
Breaking news:
From: Associated Press, Indianapolis
After a heart-breaking collision during this year's running of the Indianapolis 500, in which Ryan Briscoe, Team Penske driver, lost control of his sexually-excited car as it tried to mount Danica Patrick's vehicle, causing both vehicles to break rear suspension parts, and both entries to exit the race. Apparently, Ms. Patrick's anger continued to brew from the lack of any punishment for the actions of both Ryan and his wayward mount, and later that evening, was brought to a boil.

To add further anguish, Danica accidentally bumped her right pinkie toe against the base of the winner's trophy she received from her first victory, as she climbed into her bed later that evening, causing her to completely lose her self-composure, and succumb to her intense fury, first kicking both her husband and then her trophy out of bed (she has slept with both since her first win), and then promptly challenged the trophy to a "Cage Match to the Death" at the upcoming Ultimate Fight Challenge UFC 87: Seek and Destroy match on August 9th.

The trophy has been strangely silent since the confrontation, prompting racing and cage fight insiders to quietly wonder if this might not be some sort of quiet psychological warfare on the part of the trophy, in an attempt to rattle Patrick and get her to back down from her challenge. However, when asked today about the upcoming match with her (perceived) metallic antagonist, Danica again stated her intent to visit bodily harm to her future fellow combatant, boldly saying that she would "punch so many holes in can-dee ass, that it wouldn't even be a good spaghetti strainer afterward!". After the press-conference, her opponent was still tight-lipped about her comments.

Tale of the Tape:
Danica Patrick
Motegi trophy
Weight: Buck-five
at least twice as much
Height: 5-feet-tall
4-feet-five inches
Reach: 15 inches(?)
no arms
Record: 1-50
unknown

Remember to check with your local pay-per-view provider for possible scheduling changes....
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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-29-2008, 10:46 PM
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Maybe it's just me but she almost always looks like she's pissed off.




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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 05-29-2008, 10:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenBird View Post
Maybe it's just me but she almost always looks like she's pissed off.
or pissed on.. depends on what side of the checkers shes on

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Maynard
Thou shalt pullest out thy pin and count to 3. no more, no less. 4 thou shall not count. nor shall thou count to 2, unless then proceeding to 3. 5 is right out! once thou counts to 3. being the third number being reached, then thou lobbest thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, towards thy foe, who be nort in my sight, dare snuff it...
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