Been reciting this every year since I first heard it about 25 years ago.
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
The whole damn family was as drunk as a louse.
Grandma and Grandpa were singin' a song,
And the kid was in bed, floggin' his dong.
Ma home from the cathouse, And me out of jail,
Aunt crawled in bed for a nice piece of tail.
When out on the lawn, Arose such a clatter,
I sprang outta bed to see what the heck was a matter.
Away to the window, I flew like a flash,
Flew open the shutters and fell on my a$$.
and what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
but a rusty old sled and many reindeer,
a little old driver holding his dick,
I knew in a moment the bastard was St. Nick.
(Santa)"On dasher, on dancer, up over those walls,
"Quick now, damnit, or I'll cut off your balls."
Upon the roof, he stumbled and fell,
And came right down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
He staggered and stumbled on over to the door,
Stepped on his dick, and fell on the floor.
I heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight,
"Piss on you all, It's a hell of a night."
Have a very Merry Christmas!